BIG GUYS IN BARS: PEERING INTO THE MIND OF A DOUCHETARD

I was under the impression that Sir David Attenborough had narrated a documentary on all species of life living on the planet.  However it would appear the he missed one, the Modern Neanderthal Man.

Exhibit A: Four douchetards

You all know the extremely vain douches I’m talking about.  After months of hitting the gym and injecting steroids into his ass, he will be built like a bomb shelter and his ‘guns’ will be so big he couldn’t possibly reach his arm around his back to wipe his own ass.  His hair will be gelled to perfection and he will of course be wearing tight fitting ‘Designer’ clothes.  Typically loud and the center of attention, his vocabulary will be extremely poor with anything pertaining to topics other than cars and sports.  There will be strategically placed pubic patches over his face and for good measure look for a stud earring, just the one mind you, and a shit load of fake tan to boot.

Are we all on the same page now?  Do you know the dicks I’m talking about?

What the fuck is their deal?  A normal person casually walks into a bar only to be stared down by some chemically mutated freak that thinks because he can bench 250 lbs he’s the mutt’s nuts.  Fuck him!  I’m surprised he hasn’t pissed on the bar stools to mark his territory.  Primal jackass!  I mean after all, he is nothing more than a slightly over evolved gorilla trying to live in a civilized society.

But whatever, fuck him, I’m just here for a drink.  I’ll leave the cunt alone and he won’t bother me, and since his vision is based on movement I should slip under his radar undetected.  Well after a few pints my eyes begin to wander, as they do, and I happen to catch a glance of a couple of the girls he’s with, and I do mean a glance.  It’s not as if he caught me with my cock out, wanking my weasel as I eye fucked his groupie tramp squadron!  Nevertheless, 3.2 seconds later he’s charged his way over to me, chest spread wide and arms about as high as he can raise them without ripping his 5 sizes too small shirt.  He mumbled an incoherent string of grunts, which when translated into modern English, sounded a bit like,

“You looking at my girlfriend bro?”

Wow, how original!  Is he fucking serious?  I just happened to catch a glance of his Chlamydia ridden skank posse as I took in my surroundings, and he’s jacked up like I’ve just raped his dog and killed his mother…wait a minute…no, no that’s right.  Now it’s an impossible situation, as no matter what I say I am going to lose.  Imagine trying to have a logical conversation with a roid raging, punch-drunk boxer that doesn’t know he’s deaf, but still talks like he’s deaf.  Despite being audibly challenged, he knows he still has to effectively assert his dominance over his herd of equally retarded social mutants through a barrage of intimidating squawks.  This level of aggressive paranoia is often referred to as ‘DEFCUNT 1.’  Absolutely no sense, by the definition of the word, can be talked into these simple minded, idiotic cunt badgers we will call ‘douchetard.’

That’s right douchetard, I accidentally caught a fleeting glimpse of your make-up slathered whore patrol (by the way I did catch a glimpse up their skirts and their beef curtains looked like something out of the cheap cuts section at the butchers) and now the only way in your underdeveloped mind to solve things, apparently, is to have a fight.  Brilliant, how delightfully primal!  Why didn’t I think of that!  Of course, throwing a fist into someone else’s face is the solution to all problems.  It seems so obvious now!  This douchetard must have been damaged at the molecular level.  What a fucking idiot!  Does he not realize that 99% of the people that look at him go on to believe in the theory of evolution?  Rightfully so, he is walking living proof of what an under evolved version of us with no reason or common sense skills looks and acts like.

Anyone with a dreadfully below average IQ and lack of common reasoning skills should be subject to euthanasia.  For fuck’s sake, do people not realize douchetards like this will actually breed!  But how they manage to breed is beyond me.  Apparently women are attracted to egomaniacal dickheads that think a ‘popped’ collar is cool.  That statement above alone speaks volumes.  So for the future of humanity I am pleading with the women of this world to fuck guys that at least have some intelligence, common sense, and basic motor skills!  

Don’t allow these mutated douchetards to create future generations of degenerates.  

Fuck a geek and save the world!



Written By: Phil M.

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